Readers who are Safe and Sound, I would like to start this blog post off with a brief excerpt from a conversation I had with Darling Sister yesterday:
Me: So, I was trampled by a panicked mob today during an earthquake.
Darling Sister: Yeah, that’s cause weird sh*t happens to you all the time.
As you can see, Readers who are Certainly Intrigued, I was totally trampled by a panicked mob yesterday as a direct result of being the kind of person to whom weird sh*t happens all the time. Not only was I trampled by a panicked mob, I was trampled by a panicked mob of soon-to-be social workers. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
(This is a photo of Tallulah looking shocked, and is therefore relevant.)
Are you not one of the 85 bajillion people who talked to weeping-like-a-baby-me yesterday and would like to hear the whole story? Okay, I will tell you even though I am quite traumatized.
I was in the student union building at my university yesterday afternoon, and all of the first year MSW students were sitting around in groups at our orientation getting to know our advisors and asking questions (they were not really questions but were actually excuses to talk about how benevolent we had been towards those less fortunate than ourselves, but that is less important to my point) when, all of a sudden, Disaster Struck.
(This is also relevant, because Tallulah is about to cause an avalanche, which is a disaster)
The walls began to shake. We were in a room that was gymnasium sized with, like, giant metal things all over the walls and ceilings and it was really echoey and super loud and basically the Most Terrifying Room on Earth Oh God it was Horrible. Everyone started screaming. Then they started running while screaming. And while I was running and screaming someone behind me was running faster and screaming louder and I found myself smashed nose first into the ground under a pile of people who have committed themselves to the helping profession. The walls were still shaking and I was still firmly inclined to run run awaaay so I crawled out from under that mass of dismayed caregivers and dragged myself under a table, all the while thinking “I am going to have a broken nose and then die in a building full of strangers who are on a trampling spree and I don’t even think I wrote my adviser’s email address down correctly”. My shoes came off and I was basically just dazed and terrified, but the shaking stopped and I was alive alive aliiiiiiiiiive!
Picture me, Alarmed Readers, emerging from beneath the registration table where the pens advertising support groups for people whose spouses have Alzheimer’s and the new student questionnaires are. I am weeping a little while bleeding from the face. I am also not wearing any shoes, and I have large blue bruises forming on my arms and legs and my hand is scrapey and I am genuinely displeased. People look around and suddenly realize that someone has most certainly been Trampled and Probably Needs a Hug from a Stranger. I accepted these hugs while trying nonchalantly to see if I could tell from my reflection in the spectacles of my classmates whether my nose was permanently disfigured. While people patted me and asked “are you alright” with their best “I am a caring person who would never ever trample you” faces, I nodded, biting my tongue and attempting not to shake them all while yelling “WHAT THE F*CK JUST HAPPENED AND DO I STILL LOOK PRETTY IN MY FAAAAAAACE?!?!?”
I will now show you what my nose looked like an hour or two after I was trampled by a mob:
Note that my nose is red and approximately 3 feet and 4 inches wider than usual. Also note that I look very sad because of how I had recently been trampled. Then I felt even more sad when I arrived in my apartment (after sitting outside for 30 minutes terrified to go upstairs) and Tallulah was creeping around all low to the ground and close to the wall and meowing meowing meowing. Here is a picture of not that:
So that, Readers who would never step on my face, is the story of my Epic Trampling. I have officially stopped weeping, thanks to chats with darling friends and parents, cuddles from darling boyfriend, and especially a brilliant vodka/pineapple juice/dinner/giggles combo from darling Emily. And the swelling in my nose has gone down quite a bit, look!:
I have another orientation tomorrow, but the hurricane is not supposed to hit the area until later in the weekend, so I expect to get out of this one with more knowledge and fewer lacerations. And because I love you all and value your lives, I will end this post not only with a picture of a delicious kitty loaf, but also a link to the FEMA web page: What to Do During an Earthquake.