I have this habit, hilarious readers, of fixating on something, anything, that I really really want, convincing myself to move that want to the “need” category, and being basically unable to rest until I obtain that thing. This is how I have ended up with the following:
- Approximately 900 plaid shirts
- 4 pairs of oxfords in various colors and heel heights (but not that various)
- A 1950′s housedress with 3 holes in the hem that is too delicate to be sewn…or worn
- 3 pairs of red flats that are all incredibly uncomfortable
- Several useless closet organizing devices
- A thighmaster (yeah, I said it.)
- “The Firm” workout videos and elaborate accompanying equipment, including “fanny lifter” and “sculpting stick”
- A cat
- A gigantic self cleaning litter box for said cat that sounds like a chainsaw in the night
- 2 large iron doorstops that look like boxer dogs
- 5 typewriters
- A giant overpriced necklace made of fake red flowers and little glass beads that really looks ridiculous
This list is nowhere near complete, and for the most part, friends and strangers, I have gotten little to no use out of these things. Except for maybe the plaid shirts. And the cat, of course. But guess what, the cat was free! So the one thing on that list that I really really love isn’t even a thing, it’s an adorable little guy that I received while working in a dirty bar in Florida. He arrived in a tupperware bin, which was also free, and in which I later kept delicious alcoholic beverages and ice. So see! Again! The free stuff is so much better! I see that, I understand it on paper. I know that my fanny is not lifted, there is nowhere to buy ink ribbons or whatever for my many typewriters, my thighs are not mastered, my closet is not organized, my door is not stopped! But I am all but helpless against my whims sometimes. And now that I have been depriving that little voice in my ear that whispers “enter your credit card information” and “do not walk past that thrift shop, that thrift shop needs you” is asking for some pretty elaborate things, and those things, when compiled in list form, are pretty ridiculous. So since I’m on a “share ridiculous things with anyone that will listen” kick, I shall put that list here!
1. I want a straw handbag. And not just any straw handbag. I want a straw handbag like the one Sophia on “The Golden Girls” carries around with her everywhere. Even when she is in her pajamas or dressed like a pirate.
2. I want a phrenology head. I want a phrenology head really badly. And I want the areas of the brain to be labeled with phrases like “The carnivorous instinct; the tendency to murder” and “Comparative sagacity”. Or maybe that’s just on the Wikipedia page. Anyway, I want a freaking phrenology head.
3. I want clogs.
4. I want a really tall cat tower that Tallulah can climb about on that also matches my furniture.
5. I want this wallpaper:
which is really a unrealistic thing to want, because I rent.
6. I want an immersion blender, so that I can make smoothies in the morning, and I want a daylight simulator alarm clock so I can feel incredibly cheerful and well rested while making those smoothies.
7. I want a cake pan with which I can make a cake that looks like a giant cupcake…I saw it on TV…
8. I also want a cake pan that makes a cake that looks like a sandwich. Basically, I think that cake pans that make cakes that look like other things that are edible but are not cakes are awesome.
I’ll stop at 8, because you probably get the picture. And because you are all probably running to your kitchens to make cakes that look like things that are edible but are not cakes. Because everyone has the tools to do this. Everyone except for me.
P.S. Between the first draft of this post and now, Tallulah vomited all over the couch…So please add “new couch” to the list of things I want. Gross.